Twi-Hard: Twilight Liveblog Edition

Howdy.

Tonight I present to you a special post, one so steeped in scientific nous and socio-political importance that it might just make you take this blog seriously. Tonight I am going to liveblog my very first watching of shiny-vamp extravaganza Twilight.

For those not in the know, Twilight was released in December 2008 and is based on the book by Stephenie Meyer. Being girlie tween fiction mixed with vampires with their shirts off the film went on to gross an estimated $70 million in its opening weekend and gained a score of 50% on Rotten Tomatoes. A sequel to the first film was released this summer, New Moon, which managed 28% at RT and a $72mil opening weekend.

Twilight has been responsible for a lot of nerd rage, and it occurs to me that there may be a lot of people who have passed judgement on the film without actually seeing it. I intend to address that fact by watching the film and scribbling internet-crayon thoughts as I do. I’ll admit at going into this with a bias towards disliking the film, I’ve watched and loved enough vampire films and books to think that watering down the horror of the vampire with a wishy washy kids love story is a bit shit.

Anyways, join me at 20:30 to begin my journey into the unknown world of tween-romance-horror-flicks.

UPDATE Spell checked!

IT BEGINS

OK, I’m in good shape having just watched the somewhat excellent Gruffalo. I have a glass of G&T, the cat is asleep and I’m settled in.

It’s starting. OOOH!
First though, washed out acid look = overused.

First line is about dying. Now a deer is dead. That’s what happens.

EXPOSITION. Also, was that that wrestler with no neck?

Monologuing about forks. Sorry, Forks. I misunderstood. Dad is chief of police. Music is like VAST on weed.

‘Charlie don’t hover.’ Also cripple is a joker. Jacob tries harder but can’t avoid having the same hair as protagonisto-lass. Fortunately this girl knows how to double de-clutch. Who still does that?

Apparently the prot is called Isobel. Aww, she’s shy! Also just beaned a dude on the head. Call her Bella (like Belladonna? Deadly nightshade? Hmm)

Wow everybody likes the new lass. New lass likes the effete, angelic types from Alasks (ARE THEY VAMPIRES? I AM NOT SURE!) They are ‘weird’ apparently, because they are pretty? Main squeeze boy looks constipated. There is now a fan with slow-mo and what looks like main squeeze vomiting.

Shot with the pretty boy with wings behind him. ART? No. Just no.

For reasons I can’t understand Bella is pissed off that everybody likes her. Rommel is a vampire.Now Bella shuns her new friends for an ill tempered boy who thinks she smells. ?

Another acid burn shot industrial scene, someone is dead. We don’t care who.Bella falls over IS THIS ALLEGORY FOR HER WHOLE LIFE? So far moping > acting.

Angry mopey guy is back. His name is Ed (or Edward). I think he is constipated, also high.

“Do you enjoy the rain” “Are you asking me about the weather?” “Yeah I guess I am” “Not really. I don’t like things wet and cold”

Acoustic guitar, close ups on eyes. Awkward silences. Talking about biology lessons. IS THIS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

Pause for booze!

Ed is like low rent superman liek OMG. They are playing I am the Walrus backwards.

I take it back, the effete pale doctor who is obv. a vampire scares the shit out of me.

The dialogue is causing me pain. I am failing to understand why this lass is so attracted to a passive aggressive weirdo who thinks she smells. Now she’s dreaming about him. Turns out you can tell a vampire by their elaborate hair. And the posing.

“Compost is cool!” Best line yet.

Bella fell over agin. I’m thinking she’s permanently wasted.

Bella dropped her bag. I am sensing a new drinking game! Now she’s dropped an apple but Ed has saved it. Does that count?

DC and Marvel comics references at last. I can see fom this film why women end up with wife beaters, Bella seems to think that a moody guy who doesn’t tell her anything but is insanely hot is the best thing evar.

Ooh, ominous music and the history of the vamp kids. The injun kids are descended from wolves and the vamps were a rival clan who they made friends with for some reason. It’s a lot less spooky than the score would have you believe.

Vampire whore is fun. Black vampire wears a cravat. Man on boat is dead. Nobody misses him.

HINTS! Whenever the weather is nice the Cullens (Ed’s mates) don’t come out. Hmmmmm. Also Asian lass needs to eat some pies. We are trying on dresses. In a turn of acting skill Bella is as bored as I.

Drunken bigger boys. I wonder if Ed will save her?

HOLY CRAP HE DID, in his awesome car which looks to be a small Volvo which sounds like it’s had it’s engine replaced by the one from the Batmobile.

Bella to firends in front of Ed: “Yeah, I should eat something.” Pause. [snigger]

Ed doesn’t eat no ravioli, hes on an [ahem] SPECIAL DIET, nudge nudge.

Bella frustrates Ed because he allegedly can’t read her mind. “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.” This is ROMANCE at it’s best.

Ed has cold hands.

A man is dead, let’s try to emote shall we? She almost managed to look sad. Like that time she fell down.

Old indian book talks about ‘cold ones’. Bella didn’t know what a vampire was until she googled it. Now she’s got a bigger horny pants for Ed. I hear in the sequel she dates Ed Gein and Ted Bundy simultaneously. IT’S A LAFF RIOT!

Tee-hee “You’re impossibly fast”

“I know what you are” “Say it. Out loud. Say it” “Vampire” “Are you afraid?” “No” Bah.

Ooh we get to see what Ed looks like in the sunlight. “This is why we don’t show ourselves in sunlight” He looks like david Bowie has sprayed him with body glitter. “I’m a killer” A glittery killer.

New film idea: Twilight vs. Predator. EPIC!

Ed is now showing off by running around. Bella is like a drug, interesting how he’s so pale and thin and likens her to his own personal heroin. Hmmmmmmmmm.

Overblown washed out romance scene. Ed cops a feel. Now Bella sits with a vampire who admits to killing folks in a field of flowers. They sit and stare at each other a lot. Ed is shiny again. I throw up a bit. Camera pulls out. Cue the strings!

“There are a few things I am sure about. First, Ed is a vampire” Writing genius! 4th G&T

Ed is smiling and wearing 80’s sunglasses. Some lass just said “Oh. My. God.” It’s like the Breakfast Club! But bad.

Apparently to turn a dude a vamp just has to bit them, then the ‘venom’ turns ’em. Vamps have to stop drinking to turn them, which is hard because they love them some blood. Ed and his chums are, and I quote “vegetarian vampires” “like a man eating only tofu”

Ed has a special power to read minds. One can see the future. One can make salad out of biscuits. The other can make a noise that sounds exactly like Chewbacca. I may have made the last two up.

Ed’s house is also like an architect’s we dream. Vamps are cooking. Moodily. People are laughing! This may be the first time in the film!

Ed’s room is an Ikea catalogue. Hey; like my house! Wait, it’s tidy. Boo.

Bella has reminded us for the second time that she can’t dance. This man predicts she’ll be dancing like a fucking ballerina before the end of the film.

Ed is playing Bella piano. Invisible violins make it sound emotional.

Vampire prostitute is back!

Bit of actual drama. There are lots of veggies in this movie. Bella is dishing about Ed with her mum. Ed has broken in to listen. IT’S A PLOT TO SET UP THE BEST ‘YOUR MUM’ JOKE IN FILM HISTORY!

Fail. Instead we have heavy breathing. Oh and kissing. No sex because Ed is like the makai (bonus! Anyone who isn’t Ralph who knows where the like “You makai are all the same. One smell of pussy and you fucking lose it” gets a free slice of toast)

Dad will allow Bella to bring Ed to meet him, but he is also cleaning his shotgun. HOHOHO! Funny times. Now Bella is going to play baseball with vamps.

‘Supermassive black hole’ and vampires playing baseball during a thunderstorm. This montage is awful. Bugger me this is crap.

Yay! baddie vampires are here to break it up!

NOOOOOOOOOO! The baddie vampires are going to play too. Bella looks constipated again. At least she hasn’t dropped anything for a while.

Saved by delicious human blood. the EdBell (BellEd?) hivemind has to run away for some reason.

Aww for no real reason Bella has to be nasty to her dad so she can run away with Ed. TBH I wasn’t concentrating very hard.

OK, I’m really not sure why 2 of the three baddie vampires have to track down Bella for some reason.

Petulant blond vampire is petulant.

Bella is now Ed’s life despite only knowing her for a month or so. Vamps are wearing Bella’s clothes to keep the evil vamps off her scent, but are running down the side of the same road she’s driving down. BUH.

Deus ex machinaRandom lass who can seethe future tells us there’s at a place with mirrors. TURNS OUT IT’S WHERE BELLA TOOK BALLET LESSONS AS A SPROG. HA! This is the best writing evar.

Bella is going to meet the vampire who wants to eat her without her vampire friends. It’s OK she has her can of mace. She’s doing it so that evil vamp #1 won’t eat her mum. WHUT?

Baddie vamp #1 is filming Bella being sad. Sadly Bella’s actress has only a passing knowledge of how to look sad. Now she’s supposed to be scared but she still just looks constipated.

Baddie has just broken Bella’s leg, but she still can’t sell it. It’s OK though Ed’s here to distract us! Bella has been bit and she’s writhing in pain. I like this bit!

On the upside he’s getting leathered. On the downside now his bit of fluff is dying he’s found the ‘inner strength’ to beat the baddie. Scary vamp doctor knows Bella is dying from the ‘venom’. But it’s OK, Ed can suck out the venom! It’s been a good 3 minutes since she was bitten.

Ed is sucking on her wrist, she’s sucking her cheeks in and going cross eyed. It’s like a 5 year old pretending to be drained.

MOVING MONTAGE!

It’s not that moving because Bella isn’t dead. Despite having her femoral arery severed for 3 minutes and a fuckton of her blood sucked out by her man she’s still OK!

Bella has discovered acting! she’s still no good at it though.

Back in Forks it’s time for the prom! Ferfuck’ssake. Bella’s Indian friend is back. DO YOU THINK HE MIGHT BE A WEREWOLF? HMMM?

Prom montage! All Bella’s norm friends still like her despite her not having talked to them in ages. Bella is slow dancing with Ed. They are playing mopecore.

Bella wants to be a vamp but Ed thinks it might be a bit like marriage and tells her he thinks it wouldn’t be right in order to cover his tracks. Ed worries about Bella becoming a monster, a sparkly monster that has superpowers and for some reason never seems to have to drink blood.

Actually, they’ve never explained what the veggie vamps do eat. Was it that deer at the start? I dunno.

vampire whore is at the end when it goes all balck and white in order to add a bit of respectability. They montage black and white shorts from the film over the credits.

I have wasted 2 hours of my life on a poorly written nonsensical love story with a tacked on supernatural twist which had had it’s guts removed to make it palatable. If I’d paid for it I’d feel let down. Not an awful film, but not any good by a long chalk. Avoid unless you’re a 16 year old girl.