Well, we’re back! And we’ve brought Twilight: New Moon with us! For reasons none of us really understand we’re here to live blog the second movie in the Twilight saga.
Present is Ado to my left, and Gazz to my slightly further left. The Thai food is here, and two pints of beer have been consumed. Meet us at 20:30, and prepare your loins!
We’re here, and we’re watching the trailers before the ‘feature’! I have a beer, Gazz has a beer and Ado has a squash.
More ARRPATTS trailers before the film starts. YAY
Crustyplow: The Driest Furrow. A movie about kids watching old folks getting it on.
The URL advert for Eclipse lists a Bebo address. Aren’t they dead?
A yellow moon. That’s symbolism for a weak bladder. Bella sounds prophetic (pathetic). Lots of red riding hoods. Flowers and some old bird. HI GRANDMA!
The sparkles begin! EAT GRANDMA! DO IT EDDIE!
HOLY SHIT; Edward did Bella’s granny. Now bargain basement Jason Leigh brings a sammdige. I’M BORED.
Ado: She only has one tone.
Gazz: You’ll learn to love it.
What kind of car is that. I think it’s a Volvo! Perfectly framed shot of a pretty boy walking in slow motion next to his shiny Volvo. Yea!
Ed is 109, she is 19. ULTROPAEDO! Get off that lass, grandad!
Gazz: We could just fuck in the back of this Volvo?
Best line of the film? ‘I’m just filling out Bella’ and ‘You should come take a ride’
Ado: ‘I saw this hole the other day, and I thought of you. It’s like a wizard’s sleeve!’
Perky girl rots my brain. Ado: ‘Vampires don’t use stairs, it makes sense now!’ Funny ‘don’t trust vampires joke’
Ado: ‘The Keanu Reeves award for emoting goes to…’
Gazz: ‘Previously on Twilight: biting’
Shit! Brian Clough is in this film! Nice ruff, Clough!
Best part of the film? Dismemberment by Brian Clough. Clough’s Rough Stuff is Gazz’s Cliff Richard cover band.
‘She’ll come for me soon’
‘Don’t hate the truck. It’s a Volvo’
YOU GOTS BLOOD ON MY BEIGE CARPET BITCH, TAKE IT! Eat her!
Does Ed look a bit disgusted.
Ado: Look at all the blood in you. Time of the month is it?
‘How do you do it?’ From behind with a bag on your head. No two bags for redundancy. You’re a double bagger.
Why do they burn the bandages? It’s so that they don’t go rooting through the bins later for them. It’s like when you throw half a sausage away, then regret it later.
Ed: Bella do you understand my feelings for you at all?
Bella: God told me. How’d you feel about your solo? Ern weewap, so don’t worry about mine
B: Shitty birthday. Say ass one thing. Kicks me (Gimli?)
E: SCROMF. [pained look]
B: It was a poo
E: Who are you?
–==SCENE==– (Ed only does one take)
Bella don’t use no photoshop. Also Gazz sez they ruining Bon Iver. Ado: Nice titties on the left.
Neil: What’s happened so far?
Ado & Gazz: Nothing
Who the fuck is Jizbert?
Bella: ‘I’m coming!’ Us: From that distance?
Who the hell is charlie? We don’t know but they ARE in the trees.
Charlie says, don’t watch Twilight. Gazz: Oh Stephanie Meyer, how I hate you
Bella still looks constipated. No wait, it’s coming! No, she’s just falling over. WHILE STANDING STILL. DU HAW, I’M SO CLUMSY LOL
Topless action! Man boob. Moob.
Ahh, Charlie is Tesco Jason Leigh. Gazz: ‘I got naked, but I didn’t rape her’
Gazz: She’s not even listening to the Cure. Rubbish
Snow mope. Snope
EMAIL BREAK. Cool, disappearing computer!
Bella: SCREEAPHRAAAGHHHAHHH! Period cramps
Charlie shall now be called Churl.
Beer is gone 😦 GAZZ, GET ME ANOTHER. Now Bella is going to Jacksonville. I hope the movie ends soon.
WE’RE ONLY 30 MINUTES IN! There’s another hour and thirty to goooo.
Hopefully it’s an hour’s worth of credits. Ado: Who for? Mumblor and all the cameramen who offed themselves.
Bella’s truck don’t work ’cause it’s not a VOLVO. I wan’t to drink at ONE EYED PETE’S.
Wtf is with ghost Edward? Really?
Bella: I think I know one eye.
Bella want rough trade. Ed thinks that be a bad idea. None of us have any clue what’s going on here. Now time for MORE MONOLOGUE!
Bella: If i need a rush of danger to see him, I’ll have to drive a HONDA.
Is it that Ed actually turns up when she’s in danger, or that she’s gone mental and sees him when she’s high on adrenaline?
Why do they keep making jokes about Bella’s age. Is this a theme?
Wolfman (Jacob?): Do you not like that song?
Bella: I don’t like things I enjoy
First time I’ve seen Bella turned on by is man fighting.
I remember this on time I broke up with a lass and woke up screaming every night. Supportive Churl is supportive. And not funny.
Churl: Sometimes you have to learn to love what’s good for you. [Later he is arrested for incest]
Gazz about Jake: Is that as close as you can get to being female whilst still having a ballsack?
There’s still a damn hour left.
Is Ed really scared of her driving a dirt bike. Isn’t that a mite overprotective. YES FACEPLANT INTO A ROCK! MORE OF THIS SORT OF THING!
GREAT LINES IN CINEMA:
Jake: You’re apologising for bleeding?
Bella: I guess I am.
More random topless! ‘Here smell my shirt. Mmm’
Why can’t we see the tigers being killed by bears?
Bella: What about ‘Face Punch’ have you heard of that?
Rando #1: No
Bella: You have now! [Smek]
Let’s Do This! Face Punch. I wanna see that more that Twiglet. Rando is a pussy. We also wanna see Parking and Gambling, Gods and LSD, also Pontypool, Mike Zero.
BOO RALPH! You’re rubbish. We see you’re online, you’re just hiding from this amazing film!
Bugger! Jake made her feel feelings again. Now we go back to mopecore mode for a while. STOP MOPING! SHUT UP! FUCKING TEENAGERS! ‘I’m not like a car, you can’t just fix me. But I do have a spacious boot and wide exhaust’
I honestly don’t know what’s happening now, except that Ed has gone and Bella’s a bit mopey.
Why does Bella go for angry assholes? Ginger rando was OK.
‘Hey Jake, come and hang out in the woods with us guys in tight shorts with no tops on in the pouring rain! It’s totally not gay!’
We think Bella’s trying to find a cliff to jump off. We want that! DO IT BELLA.
Oooh, Bella on her knees again! Who’s this guy? I think his name is Orwan, Rowan or Woyan. His accent is great and randomly dropped. Actmaster!
Ado: MY EDWARD SENSE IS TINGLING
Gazz: Who the fuck are all these people?
Why would any vampire be afraid of Ed? He’s a goit.
Growbag: I can’t help but kill you, so mouthwatering
Bella: Please don’t
There’s totally a wolf! Werewolves vs. Vampires is more boring than I thought.
Twilight rules of vampires:
A) You’re immortal
B) You’re pretty
C) You’re sparkly
D) Don’t really need to drink blood
E) Get a bit angry around blood sometimes but not a lot
F) BASICALLY NO DRAWBACKS!
Ado and Gazz are on Team Jake. I’m on Team FOAD.
Jake can’t work shirts anymore. Cutting his hair cut his IQ by all.
WE DEMAND VAMPIRE, WEREWOLF, MOPEY BINT THREE WAY! IT SHALL BE AWESOME!
Bella: Come back and talk, Jake! I have not moped enough! (Falls over)
Plot is actually happening! We’re on tenterhooks!
Ado: It’s all about the dialogue. The dire-log
SLAP! Anger! Wolfywoo! Let’s hope those shorts grow back!
Ralph, you’d like this. They keep talking about feelings. You’re into that, right?
Wolfmen: Hey Bella, wanna come inside? there might not be any nobbing.
Ado is taking his top off to show TEAM JACOB solidarity. Bella is a total whore for supernatural bastards.
I watched Inception before this. I don’t know if that’s making this worse, or if it really is this tedious.
BITE HIS FACE OFF! Jamaycahn vampire’s face was delicious, B. You know, the main villain in this film hasn’t been seen by the audience yet, but is always talked about. Is that good filmmaking? NO!
Ghost Volvo! Golvo! Ginger, there in the trees, old man! Dumbass. Now she’s after Churl! OH NOES! Get the ginger, Team Jacob. Do you think she’s leading them into a trap? I THINK SHE IS!
Twilight vamps can not only cross running water, they can swim like motherfuckers.
Ado: Not vampires. CAMPIRES!
Bella’s going to be killed by the sea! Yay! Shark ginge! Kill her, end this damn movie! At least Ghost Ed is around to watch.
Grey Shorts Guy: Hey A-Hole ar going to horrargh ver place. Have you seen the financing available on new Volvos?
All the dudes Bella likes are the Hulk. Imagine if she met Bruce Banner. SPAFF!
Bella is such a ho bag. ‘You’re so special! Also, I hallucinate about Ed like all the time. Lets knob and I can hallucinate his face on your piece!’
Ado: Abstinwhore did done goned did a breathe!
Psychic vampire is not a character. Sometimes I wish I was a walking deus ex machina.
Psychic lass: #Bella, what is that awful wet dog smell?’
Bella: ‘MY THATCH!’
Better wolfvampbint threeway! Psychic vamp is a better Ed. Me: What month is it now? Gazz: Mopetober
Shit, this is the first time in an hour we’ve seen Jake with his shirt on! 5 to 1 that he’s topless in the next film. Bella should knob Jake, he’s much better.
Stuff happening! Psychic: He wants to die too! Us: SO DO WE!
Is that a Volvo? WHY YES IT IS! Bella has her own plane. It’s a Virgin Atlantic. FNARR!
Brian’s back! Get in there, Brian! Camp, camp Brian Clough. Are the folks in Engerland? They’ve nicked our road signs. It’s apparently italy. With Brian Clough. They’re also driving a Porsche, so you know it’s Italy.
FUCKING CLOWN SHOES! None of this makes sense! ‘You go, because he can read my thoughts! Even though he saw you dying half way across the globe!’ Ed’s suicide plan is gash.
SHUT UP YOU MOPEY TWATS! You make no sense and we can’t tell what you’re saying.
Bella – still a virgin whore. What are we betting that the little girl vamp is like 800 or something.
WORST MUZAK EVER! I bloody hate these damn boring vampires. BRIAN CLOUGH IS BACK! Brian: ‘ANwo Anctante!’
Ado: This is the best bit of the film! Look at Brian emoting! I’d forgotten that people could do that! He actually changed the tone of his speech! Amazing!
FIGHT! It’s fast in slow-mo. Nobody knows why they’re fighting. Probably for ratings. SMASH HIS PRETTY FACE IN!
For a soulless vampire, Ed is one depressing bastard.
INTO THE CLOUGH EYE! What’s in there? A crap scene where Bell and Ed have a nice run in the woods. We know Bella is a vamp because she FAILS TO FALL OVER.
Ed: Sorry I fucked off forever. It were for your own good
Ed: Whormble wardhe
Bella: My donna wo change me
Gazz: If you become a vampire, you automatically lose your hymen. Incidentally Bella is more of a son than you ever were, Ed
Woop! Jake and Ed meet! Jake has lost his shirt again. Jake has introduced an exciting contrivance that will stretch this out for another movie at least. Bella tells Jake she’s been stringing him along. I’ll bet Jake keeps sniffing around her though. Damn Bella’s fickle heart! So many hot dudes want to do her, and she can’t decide who gets a ride.
Ed: Wait five years, then I’ll make you a drawback free vamp.
Ed: Marry me then
END. Thank fuck that’s over!
No wait! There’s a stinger after the credits! It’s Brian Blessed as Ghengis Khan! He’s come to set all the main characters on fire for being boring mopey assholes! Look at all the blood! best stinger ever!
That was bloody awful. I hate you all. Goodnight.